Monday: March 15, 2004
ROAARRR!!!
generally discontent. i think i’m getting sick too. all day i felt like crying. i actually started tearing up during dinner. argh. i hate how i’m an emotional basketcase around this time of the year. i dunno… i feel so disappointed in myself. and i’m getting more and more disillusioned with the people on campus… and angry. see my xanga post for march 13/14th to see one of the reasons. and also, because i feel like people are all so anal and selfish on this campus. at the slightest provocation they all jump at your throat… and it’s always the same group of people. as mimi said, “why don’t they redirect their energy towards porn and penis enlargement ads?” and i agree. at least our events are meaningful. sigh. it makes me very glad to know that i’m not stuck here for that extra year. (haha…. weiying outed my junior status at the eboard meeting today.) yes. i did accelerate. why? because, besides the money i’ll be saving my family - which is quite a substantial sum, i honestly don’t think i could stand it here on this campus for another year.
My disatisfaction is so personal. I love learning… so I enjoy my classes. but in general the people on this campus… just annoy me. they have no sense of coalition or unity. they’re all concerned with their own amusement and distractions. is it really so hard for them to ignore a post, or to click that one button that collapses a series of messages? do they think I give a damn what they think is the funniest scene of a movie when I could be going to a cultural event.. from which I could learn something or see the result of so much hard work. I also feel very inferior when I go off campus… because there’s such a stigma attached to being from Wellesley that I’m almost ashamed sometimes. Esp. when guys ask, “oooh… are there a lot of lesbians?” or say… “oooOOooh… WELLESLEY” in that tone of voice. When girls from other schools consider it to be an insult to be compared to a Wellesley girl… how am I supposed to feel about this school? I know, I know… I care too much. But I have my pride, you see, and I hate being judged based on my school’s reputation.
I’m feeling awfully antisocial these days. to the point where i want to avoid people (not everyone, durrr) and get annoyed when i have to talk. i’m so worried about everything right now.. and so terribly tired. it’s all my fault, i know… but i wish just once, I could have it easy.
