#1. The Lion and the Unicorn

Once upon a time, when mythical creatures weren’t mythical, a unicorn and lion lived together in what biologists would call a mutualistic relationship. The other members of their species shook their heads with disapproval from afar.

“Lions! What self respecting unicorn lives in peace with a lion without trying to gut him with their horn??”

“Unicorns! What self respecting lion lives in peace with a unicorn without trying to gut him with their claws??”

They were old. When you’re old, you don’t really want to pick fights with whoever’s near you. When you’re old, you’re jaded and tired of getting physical when the same situation’s going to arise in the near future with 100% probability. So, truth be told, these two couldn’t stand each other. But they were Machiavellian creatures who subscribed to the “survival when those humans were multiplying at an alarming rate couldn’t happen if the enemy of my enemy is still my enemy who I must waste good energy and time on to vanquish while the human reaps the benefit by killing me too is really rather stupid when you sit down and think about it” school of thought. Of course, the unicorn liked to think he was a bit superior, and the lion just the same, so their days weren’t exactly as peaceful as the sensationalists made it out to be.

“If it wasn’t for my good sense, you’d be lured out w/a big slab of meat. Don’t understand you carnivores. I’ve never seen the appeal in a hunk of bloody flesh probably contaminated or dirty by the time you kill your prey. Grass never does one harm.”

“But meat’s so juicy and chewy!! And it’s high in protein, so I hear. And it moves, it does, before ya bring it down. I don’t understand ya vegetarians. What’s the appeal in food that don’t move? ‘Oooh this grass was sooo hard to bring down. Nearly kicked me eye out!’ Half the hunger’s from the bloody fight! And what proteins do ya get from grass? None! And you… don’t think I don’t know what yer weakness is. Virgins! Ya pervy lech! If it weren’t for me eating half the ones they send, you’d be long gone!”

“I could skewer you in a minute and disembowel you if I wanted to. I’ve done my share in my youthful days.”

“And how d’you plan on skewering me if yer horn’s stuck in a bloody tree trunk? Once ya charge, ya don’t stop, ya dumb brute!”

“Why, I’ll have you know that I never fell for the petty tricks of your kind. Really, can’t you find a more dignified way to fight back? Fight like a beast, not a human!”

“Ha! It’s that kind of thinking that gets ya killed, it does. Besides, I don’t hear ya complaining about my dishonourable ways when I’m luring the hunters out for ya.”

“Yes, well, that’s a matter of life and death.”

“Oooh, and being skewered or feasting on unicorn fer dinner isn’t? By the way, yer kind does have the tastiest flesh, ya know.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

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